Sometimes I need to write things out to be completely honest with myself, and I needed to be a little honest with myself about everything. I started this blog to do just that. I want to be honest with the people who take the time to read my blog posts, the prompts, the short stories, and other things that will be added soon. So, here it goes.
I have been writing a lot for school which tends to be easier than keeping up with everything on here. I wish it were different than that. I have tried writing new blog pieces again and again, but there are some things that my mind just won’t let me work through.
My past has been holding onto me lately. I have continuously heard the voices of others who made me doubt myself in every way. I try to brush it off. I try to say, “I’m fine.” I try to just shake it off. Yet sometimes there are days that my whole mind refuses to shut it down.
After the accident I couldn’t help it. They were screaming at me.
“You won’t ever be worth more than what you are now. Nothing.”
“You are a screw up. That’s all you do. Screw everything up.”
“No one will ever see you the way you want.”
“You aren’t ever going to be happy.”
“You don’t deserve to be happy.”
“No one will want someone who looks like you.”
“You will not succeed.”
“You can’t do it without me.”
Those are the things that have been haunting me. Those are the things that make me overthink and overanalyze everything.
They have also made me want to work harder. They have made me want to push myself. They have made me angry, sad, and doubt myself until I had a breakdown or two. I hid in the house. I kept it dark and I stayed alone. I let those voices own a piece of me a few times. They are always there.
I am trying to take them and use them as fuel to the fire. I want to prove those voices wrong, but more than that I want to do it for myself. If I do it for them then they still win.
Moving forward has proven to be more difficult than I have ever admitted to myself before.
I sat outside today and I just let the sun wash over me. I let it take all of that away. I recharged and found myself smiling. I was smiling because I felt like myself. My old self. I missed that part of me that could smile without forcing it. I felt at peace. Those are the moments that I am going to use to drown the voices out until they aren’t there anymore.
I am more than what someone else said to tear me down.
I am more than the words that anger spit out.
The voices of the past…
Can stay there.