I’m not really sure who started it. We think we remember things exactly as they were, but our minds play tricks on us. I can close my eyes and convince myself that the arguments were worth it. Every time things would start getting more and more intense we would fix things by not fixing them at all.
I remember what they were about. I convinced myself it was nothing then. In reality that is because he convinced me it was nothing. If it wasn’t important to him it wasn’t allowed to be important to me. Everything plays over and over again in my mind. How it went, what was said, how it should’ve gone, and what should have been said and done.
The anger, sadness, grief at losing who I was, and who I could be builds up time and again. I can feel it starting to send every cell in me into overdrive. I sit there trying to shut it down when really, I need to let go and let it in.
I open my eyes taking in the grass and flowers on the ground, the willow trees blowing in the breeze, the bright sky above me, and the river moving downstream. I feel my hands open and a scream forces itself out. The ground in front of me folds over toppling the willows to the earth that once gave them safety, the sky filled with dirt and debris that blew into the river disturbing its once calm beauty. I felt my body leave the ground as the air moved around me, within me, and through me.
This is what I have been waiting for.